Co-written with my AI sidekick, Andrew (aka ChatGPT).
There’s this unspoken rule in some families: if you don’t show up to every birthday, barbecue, or random get-together, you’re rude and you don’t value family.
And so you somehow convince yourself you have to go to every event.
But here’s the thing … I used to show up out of guilt because how dare I disrespect my blood ties. I’d show up with anxiety in tow, plaster on a smile, try to stay surface-level, and yet still leave with my energy drained and my mind racing: Why did they ask me that? Was that a dig? Why did I overshare? Do they think less of me?
It took years to realize that just because people share your blood doesn’t mean they’re healthy for your peace.
And over the years as I’ve realized that and thanks to that, I don’t really go to all the events anymore, hardly any.
Not because I hate anyone. Not because I’m bitter. Not because I don’t care about my family and don’t want to celebrate them, because I pray for my family and celebrate them in my own way either way.
But because I love myself enough to protect MY energy.
And if you’re reading this, maybe you’ve felt that too. That ache of feeling interrogated instead of welcomed. That weight of forced small talk with people who you know have gossiped behind your back or have criticized hard life moments you’ve faced.
There’s that phrase of ‘people might forget what you said, but not how you make them feel’.
It’s true, by the way.
As unfortunate and sad as it sounds, sometimes you have this inner voice whispering, “Why do I feel worse after being around my own family?”
The funny thing is, when you do run into them and ask about their lives (because let’s be clear – you can still be polite), they’ll sometimes hit you with that backhanded line:
“Well… if you came to the family functions, you’d know.”
As if kindness and curiosity deserve sarcasm in return.
And it’s ironic, isn’t it? That someone can say something like that with a straight face and never pause to wonder why you stopped coming in the first place.
Well, let me tell you … sometimes stepping back is the healthiest thing you can do. They might not see it that way and might get offended, but being absent isn’t the problem if it’s giving you peace.
At the end of the day, you don’t owe anyone an explanation of how or why you are choosing to protect your peace.
And in case you didn’t know, you can love people from a distance.
You can wish people well without giving them access to your soft spots.
And you can absolutely say “no” to the drama while still saying “hi” when you’re out in the town.
So if you needed a sign that skipping the next toxic function doesn’t make you a bad person – this is it.
And hey, you’re not avoiding family. You’re avoiding dysfunction.
And that’s something worth honoring.
💙