Flubber Might Be Why I Go for Red Flags

You ever look back at a movie you loved as a kid and realize as an adult that it was actually a huge pile of 🚩🚩🚩 in disguise?

Yeah. That’s me. With Flubber.

Yes, Flubber.

The 1997 movie with Robin Williams, green goo, and apparently the blueprint for every emotionally unavailable man I’ve ever liked.

Let me explain.

I recently had a random flashback to Flubber and got so irrationally mad, I had to pause what I was doing just to spiral in peace.

Because I remember watching this movie as a kid and thinking the ending was romantic.

ROMANTIC???

Girl, what was in the Capri Sun??

***

Let’s break it down:

• The main character, Professor Phillip Brainard (lol okay), is a brilliant but wildly absentminded scientist who INVENTS BOUNCING SLIME.

• In the process of doing so, he forgets to show up for his own wedding… not once… not twice… but THREE times.

• And in the end???

THEY STILL GET MARRIED.

Via a FLOATING ROBOT and basically a glorified Zoom call, because this man cannot take 30 damn minutes to show up for the actual ceremony… but bet your ass he’s probably present when it’s time to consummate the marriage. 🙄

***

As a kid, I thought that was so sweet. Like, “Aw, he still made it happen. He loves her. Look at their lil robot officiant!”

But now??

As a grown-up who has lived through emotionally unavailable men and “but he’s busy with work” excuses?

I want to go back and shake my little self for thinking that…

Because you know what??

He didn’t love her in a healthy way.

He loved her in a “you’ll always come second to whatever I find fascinating at the moment” kind of way.

And I’m sorry, but unless you’re out there inventing the cure for cancer or ending world hunger, YOU CAN PUT DOWN THE FLUBBER AND SHOW UP TO THE ALTAR.

I really sat in that theater (possibly twice?? my memory’s fuzzy but the emotional trauma is clear), watching this man repeatedly miss the biggest day of their relationship, and still walked out thinking, “Ugh, I hope I find love like that one day.”

LMAO. NO.

Also… let’s talk about Flubber itself.

The sentient green booger with more bounce than a trampoline on pre-workout.

Yeah, it’s fun. Yeah, it’s impressive. But let’s be honest:

If I pulled a booger out of my nose, added glitter, and made it it’s IG account, I could probably create something just as hype.

And it STILL wouldn’t excuse flaking on your fiancée THREE TIMES.

***

So now, when I look back at some of my dating choices, I get it.

I was trained by the media.

Trained to think genius excuses + quirky personality = worth giving unlimited chances.

That maybe being “distracted” by work is endearing, and being wildly inconsistent is forgivable if he’s smart enough or says “I love you” in a cute way.

WELL. NOT ANYMORE.

The next Phillip Brainard I meet can keep his Flubber, his floating robot, and his tragic time management.

I’ll be over here with someone who actually shows up. Preferably on time.

With snacks.

xoxo,

😄Love, Loops (who now sees childhood movies for what they really were: soft-launch trauma).