Today I learned how fast my mind can turn nothing into something.
This is such a small thing, which is maybe why it’s annoying that it stuck with me. But anyway, I was trying to get my dog inside.
He was barking at two guys walking by, so I went out, opened the door, and clapped a few times like I always do.
I clap, I call his name, and he usually comes in.
It’s normal. It’s not a “thing”.
🤷🏻♀️
Except apparently today it was a thing.
***
The two guys obviously heard me clapping because one started clapping too as they walked by…kind of exaggerating it, laughing.
At first I didn’t even know they were mocking me, and then I realized they were.
I started to give them a dirty look as they walked by, and then suddenly one of them looked back…the one who didn’t clap.
👀
We made eye contact. He said something to his bud and then he, “the clap mocker”, turned too.
They laughed again and kept walking. And a little farther down, he clapped again and I heard more laughing.
And that was it.
🎬
That was the entire event.
No confrontation. No words. No actual consequence.
But my body didn’t get the memo.
I felt that weird hot feeling…not full anger, not full embarrassment, just… activated.
Like my blood was buzzing.
And what bothered me wasn’t even them so much, as how quickly my mind grabbed onto it and started spinning.
Did I clap weird?
Do people notice how I do things?
Was I embarrassing?
Why do I care?
I shouldn’t care.
Confident people wouldn’t care.
This is dumb.
Why can’t I let it go?
It’s wild how fast my brain tries to build a story. Not even about them, about ME.
About what it means. About how I’m seen. About whether I should’ve joked, ignored them, smiled, said something, done nothing, done it differently.
I noticed something else too…part of me wanted a redo. Like if they walked by again, maybe I’d “handle it right” this time. Which is funny, because what does “right” even mean?
It’s not like there was a test.
🙆🏻♀️
Normally, this is the kind of feeling I’d eat over.
Distract. Numb. Move on without really moving on.
But lately I’ve been trying something different. Instead of fixing my moods, I’m trying to get myself to start feeling the actual emotions.
So I let it be there.
I went for a short walk. I didn’t try to prove anything to anyone.
I didn’t rehearse imaginary conversations (okay, maybe a little…but I caught myself).
Every time the thought came back, I reminded myself ‘nothing is actually happneing right now’.
And that’s the part I’m still sitting with.
Not why those guys did what they did.
Not whether they’re immature or bored or whatever. But how my mind works when I feel seen without permission.
How quickly I turn a moment into a mirror. How hard it is to let something just be uncomfortable and then pass. How tempting it is to either laugh it off or turn it into a whole identity thing.
I don’t have a neat conclusion. I didn’t “master” the feeling.
It came back a few times and faded a little more each time.
But I guess that’s the point.
Not fixing anything.
Not proving anything.
Just noticing and not running from it.
“That’s all” **in Meryl Streep/Miranda voice from The Devil Wears Prada**
💋
Love, Loops